A sly, mischievous entry in the BOS directory came to our attention and we just needed to know more about the "Waterboard Spa" that will be set up on Morgan on Saturday. Here's what Waterboard Spa co-conspirator Dolan Morgan told us.
Q. Waterboarding? Who's doing it, and for god's sake, why?
A. The Waterboard Spa is providing this luxurious service free of charge, for one day only! Why? Because our spa is dedicated to the health and wellness of every patron. We offer the most exquisite comfort imaginable, both spiritually and physically, and we believe that everyone should have the opportunity to experience true relaxation.
Q. How does it work?
A.
Our brochure has this to say:
What will my session be like?
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Lie down on a board and place a specially-designed, extremely soft, high-thread count cloth over your face.
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Receive a complimentary hand massage and/or manicure from a dedicated professional.
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Waterboard yourself using the sprinkler pot of soothing spring waters.
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Control the level and intensity of the experience by adjusting the angle of your arm and wrist as though they’re levers or buttons attached to a machine that is bigger than you.
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When you are ready, receive your pre-written truth on a crisp, wallet-ready business card.
And, as always, our Waterboard Lite is available for people in a hurry.
Q. What happens if someone dies by accident?
A. At our spa, there are no accidents! Everything is custom-tailored to ensure a rich, fulfilling, and --most importantly -- safe experience. Of course, any patron that is unsatisfied is entitled to a full refund of the special Bushwick Open Studios $0 entrance fee, but we are confident that we can accommodate the diverse needs of everyone.
Q. Are you using the same water all day? If so, doesn't that mean people should show up early to get the clean NYC torture-water?
A. Every last drop of our water is drawn from fresh, all-American springs, replenished after every use! Cool, refreshing waters are the backbone of our comfort system, and no expense is spared. All water waste is recycled in an eco-friendly manner through NYC's sanitation department.
Q. How many people do you think will go for it? Fewer than 10? Or are we talking about a line around the block?
We have many patrons booked in advance, but we're expecting to accept walk-ins as well. Our mobile receptionist will be roving the block to receive and schedule appointments all afternoon. Complimentary hoods will be provided in the waiting area to block out stimuli and reduce anxiety.
Q. The L-train will be down all weekend and you're going to be in front of the Morgan stop. Did you think about moving over to a bus stop instead? Isn't riding the L-train shuttle kind of like torture?
There's no better way to cool off after a tortuous shuttle ride than a quick waterboarding. The commute might be annoying, but we think discovering new personal truths through the euphoric act of simulated drowning is worth the effort!
Q. Hand massages. Explain.
They feel really nice! And so will you.
Q. Whose idea was this and who else is joining you in your group of torturers?
Torture is not only illegal but also immoral, and it will not be tolerated at the Waterboard Spa, at which all of the staff are dedicated wellness professionals intent on helping a weary public achieve balance in their environment. More literature on the science and enlightenment of the ancient art of waterboarding will be available at the event.
Details:
Waterboard Spa
Saturday, June 4th
12 - 4:30 pm
Bogart Street between Varet and Moore
